Why was i created?
Why was i created?
R is dating tyler davis.
i found out on myspace. she changed her status to "in a relationship" and there was a photo of them at the movies and she was wearing the bracelet i made her and he had his arm around her and she looked happy.
she looked really happy.
jess called me 6 times. i didnt answer. lissa sent me a message on here that said "im here." mikey left a voicemail playing a sad song on his bass.
i looked at this site tonight. every page. every drawing. every diary entry. every song on the playlist. every pixel i placed. three years of loving someone poured into html.
the vampire queen drawing. the werewolf under the moon. nana and hachi. needy and jennifer. every single one is her.
i think this is the most honest thing ive ever built. and nobody who was supposed to see it ever will.
the creepypasta about the girl who haunts websites. maybe thats not so funny anymore.
im going to leave this site up. maybe someday someone will find it and read all of this and understand what it felt like. to love someone so much you build them a whole world and they never walk through the door.
if ur reading this, whoever u are, thank u for being here.
its more than she ever did.
I JUST SAW JENNIFERS BODY AND I AM NOT OK. I AM THE OPPOSITE OF OK. I AM TRANSCENDENT.
needy and jennifer. NEEDY AND JENNIFER. the way needy loves jennifer even when jennifer is literally eating boys alive?? the "sandbox love never dies" line?? THE KISS SCENE?? megan fox in that pool covered in blood looking like a fallen angel?? amanda seyfried being so in love with her best friend that she can feel when shes in danger??
this is the movie i have been waiting my entire life for.
everyone at school says its "bad" and "flopped" and i want to scream because they dont GET IT. its not about the horror. its about a girl who loves her best friend so much that even becoming a demon cant kill that love. its about how girls love each other in ways that terrify the world. its about how the real monster is the boys in the band who sacrificed jennifer for fame.
diablo cody understood. megan fox understood. i understand.
i drew needy and jennifer tonight. needy in the hospital gown with the bite mark on her shoulder. its the most personal piece ive ever done because i realized:
im needy. R is jennifer. and no matter what happens, sandbox love never dies.
i showed R the movie poster and she said "that looks dumb lol." i wanted to say "its about us" but instead i said "yeah lol."
one day someone will find this site and understand.
i keep playing this song on repeat. i know its from like 2003 but i dont care. "all the things she said, running through my head" is literally my entire existence compressed into one lyric. whoever wrote this understood.
i watched the L word finale last week. i cried. not because of the show (ok partly because of the show) but because jenny schecter existed on television and was complicated and messy and queer and REAL and now shes gone and sometimes it feels like all the representations of people like me just... end badly.
south of nowhere is over too. spencer and ashley deserved better.
jess found this movie called "but im a cheerleader" and we watched it together and laughed but also i cried in the bathroom after because megan gets her happy ending and i dont think i get one.
i havent updated the site in a while. i look at it sometimes and its like looking at a museum of my own feelings. every page is about R even when its not about R. the vampire drawings are about R. the playlist is about R. the friends list where shes #1 is about R. this whole site is a love letter written in html and css and she will never read the source code.
sam sent me a new creepypasta about a girl who haunts websites. thats gonna be me lol. the ghost in the html.
im tired.
R came over for halloween. we watched the craft and ginger snaps (SHE FINALLY WATCHED IT and she liked it!!! i almost cried). jess and mikey came too. mikey dressed as lestat and jess was a scene zombie which is just jess with slightly more eyeliner than usual.
R was a vampire. she borrowed my fake fangs and my black cape and she looked... god. she looked like every drawing ive ever done of her. she put on this dark lipstick and turned to me and said "how do i look" and i swear my heart actually stopped beating for a full second.
we were sitting on my bed watching the movie and our hands were really close and at one point during the craft she leaned her head on my shoulder and whispered "this is my favorite night" and i thought: mine too. every night with you is my favorite night.
then later she was talking about this boy in her english class and how cute he is and.
yeah.
i went to the bathroom and cried for like 5 minutes and told everyone i ate too much candy.
jess knows. she gave me that look. the one that says "im sorry." i hate that look.
i came home and drew R as a vampire queen sitting on a throne made of bones. its the most beautiful thing ive ever drawn and nobody will ever know its a love letter.
happy halloween.